Reality

If you haven't figured it out, the two key words I referred to are "Tabloid Bullshit." I wrote this on Sunday. Mother's Day. I held off on posting it until today. I didn't know if they would actually run this non-story, but after seeing this, and this, I decided it was time.

May 8, 2004

This morning, I told my wife:

"Something weird is going on." She looked over her coffee mug at me, "What do you mean?" I pointed to my laptop and told her, "Well, I track my stats on my weblog pretty meticulously and there's been a jump in the number of people using a google search of my name to get here."

HER: [Blank stare.]

ME: "See, people find my website sometimes by searching Google, and if a keyword matches, my site comes up in the search results. I can tell what people searched for to land here. Usually, the number one name people search for to get here is "Erin Elmore," but in the past two days it has been "Shane Nickerson."

HER: [Blank stare.]

ME: "Anyway. It's weird. Plus, someone keeps doing a netscape search for "nickerblog.com." It's almost as if they have that particular search bookmarked."

HER: Oh, that is weird.

ME: "Yeah. Something is going on. I can tell."

Later that day, as we were getting ready to take our daughter outside to play, I noticed somebody walking up to the front door. We live in a little neighborhood in Manhattan Beach, so that's not uncommon. Neighborhoods bring solicitors. I went to the door to tell the gentleman that I wasn't interested. I opened it.

ME: "Hi, can I help you?"

HIM: (British accent) "I'm looking for Shawn Nickerson."

ME: "Shane?"

HIM: "Yes, I'm looking for Shawn Nickerson."

ME: "It's SHANE. Trust me. I'm him."

HIM: (slightly surprised) "Oh, it's Shane? Hi, I'm Lee Hannon with The National Enquirer."

At that point, I started to panic a little bit. What was he doing here?

For those of you that don't know, I've been working for the past year or so on a TV show called Trippin', with Cameron Diaz. I don't mention it here too much (other than in my bio) because I respect the privacy of the people I work with. It's an exciting job, but like any job, it's a lot of work. Also, because of the people involved, discretion is essential. The tabloid media are ruthless and evil.

ME: "I'm not going to comment on the show. You can talk to [insert network name here].

HIM: "Oh, so you work for [insert network name]?

ME: (crap). "I don't know. I'm going to close the door now."

HIM: "OK, well you know we're going to run a story about you and Cameron Diaz tomorrow, right?"

ME: (shock)

....
....
....

ME: (more shock)

...
...
...

ME: "What?"

HIM: "We know you've been seeing each other."

ME: (now I'm wondering if this is a joke or maybe just some freak) "I'm sorry, I'm not going to comment."

(I've been around town long enough to know that sound bites and quotes can be manipulated, twisted, edited and taken out of context. "No comment" seems to be the safest thing you can do.)

ME: (starting to close the door) "Good-bye."

HIM: "Can I show you something?"

ME: (say no, say no, say no) "Sure."

HIM: (pulling a grainy photocopied picture that looks like me and someone else out of his pocket and showing it to me) "Pretty damning evidence, don't you think?"

ME: (squinting) "I have no idea. I'm not commenting. Bye."

HIM: (as I closed the door) "Are you together?"

As the door closed, I started to realize what was going on. My wife and baby stood behind me as I turned away from the slammed door. Elisa looked at me, confused.

HER: "Did he just say "Are you together?"

ME: "I think he did, yes."

HER: "Who was that?"

ME: "The National Enquirer."

HER: "WHAT?"

The thing is, we joked about something like this when I started this job.

"How funny would it be if you end up in a paparazzi picture with her and the tabloids say something like, "Cameron's new man! Hahahahahahaha. HA." [Insert Krusty the Klown groan here]

Now that our "joke scenario" was actually happening, it wasn't quite as funny. I told her the story about Lee Hannon at the door.

HER: "What was the picture of?"

ME: "I have no idea. All I could see was my face and it was grainy."

HER: "Oh my GOD dude." (laughing)

Here's the other thing: It's such a ludicrous story, that there was never a moment from her of "Is this true?" In fact, I told my wife, "One of the reasons this is so stupid is because you know that if I was hooking up with CD you'd have been the first one I high-fived." She laughed because she knows me. If The National Enquirer knew me at all, they'd have saved whatever money they paid for this supposed picture.

I sat on the couch and started to feel that tension in my stomach. I made some calls to some people and left voicemails to make sure they knew about this supposed story too. I relaxed a bit. Maybe this was just a desperate magazine fishing for a story. Maybe they weren't actually going to run this, but were snooping around to see if there was anything to drudge up. Maybe I was panicking over nothing. My voicemail ring beeped from my cellphone. I called it:

"Hey Shane, it's Derek. I just got a call from The National Enquirer about you and Cameron Diaz. I told them nothing. Uh...call me."

Motherfucker! How the hell did they...? Why Derek? Derek is in the show I used to do at Improv Olympic. Derek and I have known each other for about 7 years, but he's just such a random person in my life to call. We perform together and occasionally I'll see him at a party. I knew then that that they were using my website to find out who I know. My e-mail alert went off. I checked it:

Shane,

Hey, can you call me? The Natl. Enquirer just called me about a story they
are doing about YOU.

323/xxx-xxxx

Not that I had anything to say to them, but I did get the information
about the story from the reporter if you want it.

~JM

Jessica, "The Ninja" Stover? I JUST met her like two weeks ago at Wil's show. What kind of reporting are these guys doing? I called her immediately. I won't try to quote the conversation, because admittedly, I was still in a bit of shock and I question my ability to accurately recount her exact words, but the gist of it was this:

They called her parents in Virginia. On Mother's Day. Fuckers. JM's mom called her to tell her someone from the press called. JM used to have a show on AOL called "Jessica's Crush," so she wasn't totally shocked by that. Local press call her house sometimes. Then her mom told her it was from a 310 number. 310=Los Angeles. JM called the "press" number immediately. The woman on the end told her they have a picture of me and Cameron Diaz and would she like to comment? You can read JM's account HERE (love the Harry Potter reference JM).

Anyway, it was real now. In a way, I was relieved to hear that the man at my door actually WAS from The National Enquirer and not some other freaky freak with my address. Which makes me wonder:

How did they find out who I was based on a picture?
How did they find my address? (google)
How did they find JM's parents number in Virginia? (google)
etc, etc. (google, google)

I started thinking about the other people I link to on my weblog on a regular basis. I immediately e-mailed Wil Wheaton and told him to call me ASAP. Seconds later, the phone rang.

Wil: "Shane?"

ME: (paranoid about media) "WHO IS THIS?"

Wil: "It's Wil!"

ME: "OH! Right. Sorry. Um....here's the thing...if the uh...National Enquirer calls? Tell them nothing.

Wil: [Confused silence]

ME: "Because um...see, they're trying to do this totally fake story linking me to Cameron Diaz. They have a picture of us or something and they're using my blog to find people I know. So if they e-mail you or call, just ignore them."

Wil: "Dude! Congratulations! You made The National Enquirer before me and I've been doing this for 26 years!"

ME: (laughing)

Wil: "Seriously though, can I tell them to fuck off?"

ME: (more laughing) "Nah, don't bother."

Wil: "Any e-mail from them will just go to /dev/null anyway.

ME: "Awesome. Thanks, man"

Wil: "Wait! Can I tell them, "Actually, the truth is that Shane is covering for me. It's ME, Wil that is having a relationship with Cameron Diaz and I'm very, very ashamed. It's been three shameful years that I, Wil Wheaton, author of "Just a Geek," available at your local bookstores, have been in a relationship with her."

ME: (laughing) "Yes, you can definitely tell them that."

I thanked him again and hung up. Talking to Wil made me feel better. I realized how silly the whole thing is and I made the turn from shock and panic into "this is actually kind of funny." Let them run it. I'll frame that fucker as a reminder of the day when the tabloids actually took an interest in some kid from New Hampshire with nothing to hide and alas, no story to give them.

A bit later that day, I got the following e-mail:

From: lhannon@nationalenquirer.com
Subject: Cameron Diaz
Date: May 8, 2005 7:44:59 PM PDT
To: shanenick@yahoo.com

Shane,

Hi. It’s Lee from the National Enquirer. We met earlier.
I wanted to give you one final opportunity to respond to the pictures of you and Cameron Diaz kissing.

You can contact me at the numbers below.
Kind regards, Lee.


Lee Hannon
National Enquirer
(310) xxx-xxxx office
(310) xxx-xxxx cell
(310) xxx-xxxx fax
(redacted)@nationalenquirer.com

Lee Hannon. Not familiar with his work? Here's a gem you may have missed. Never saw that? Hmm. How about this one? No? Well, I'm sure they're true. If you'd like to give him a call to let him know how much you like his work, I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

Anyway, I forwarded the e-mail to the appropriate people and let it go. I've been on the internet long enough to recognize a troll, even in real-life, so I did what any smart, tabloid-hating person would do:

I ignored it.

To the people at National Enquirer that decided Mother's Day was a good day to invade my life and create this week's lie:

I don't know how you sleep at night. Your work is shameful and evil.

Comments

[Fanang]

Fair enough.

But if that is really you in the pictures in NE, what exactly were you doing with Cameron Diaz? The pics do appear to show Cameron and this man making out, rather than just hugging affectionately, let's say. You don't seem to address that in your post. Did they photoshop stuff? Or is it all clever camera angles?

If it's not you in the pics, then why not say so?

[Tracey]

Perez just posted your response on his website - very supportive. Thought you would like to know...

[Steve Thorn]

Damnit, where was your video camera? What a great video blog this joker at your door would have been!
Have to say though, with your v-blogs out there, you now have all sorts of facial expressions that can be captured frame by frame and Photoshop-ed into any grainy picture the tabloids want to make.
Look on the bright side, some Google Adsense and a mention or two in NE and you could have a nice side income.
Hang in there Shane, these leeches hate the salt of real work..

[Liz]

Good grief, leave the man alone. How many times has a rag like the National Enquirer photoshopped photos or how many times has a picture that they said was so damaging end up being NOTHING at all. Stop trying to ruin his and his family's life. Not only is this affecting him, it'll affect Cameron and Justin as well.

[Fanang]

Well, he did blog about it. So it's a legitimate question, surely?

[Fanang]

Well, he did blog about it. So it's a legitimate question, surely?

[Leah]

Isn't it sad that people actually care about shit like this?

You'd think that this effected the national economy the way some people react to this sort of thing.

At the end of the day, the bottom line is, there are so many issues that are FAR more important than who Cameron Diaz is or isn't kissing. Jeez!

[EmDem0429]

Shane,

Part of me is really pissed off for you and the other part of me is laughing hysterically. Your adventures never cease to amaze me!! I'm sure you'll come out of this just fine - with many great stories to blog about. I wish you and your family the best as this blows over. You and Elisa are lucky to have each other. I love how you wrote that if it were true, she'd be the FIRST person you'd tell! Keep your spirits up - and, please, keep writing...

~Emily

[fenester]

Do you think it was wise to publish Lee Hannon's phone, fax and email address? I mean, this guy showed up at your house and he could just as easily publish your personal information in the internet. It's one of those "live by the sword, die by the sword" kind of things.

[Michelle]

I figured as much, Shane. Sorry this had to happen to you guys but all you can do is laugh at them because of how sad and pathetic they are.

[Shasta MacNasty]

Yeah. I'd be really concerned it it were 60 Minutes on your doorstep. But it's the National Enquirer. Hardly the bastion of journalistic ethics.

Maybe this will effect CD/JT, maybe not. These two seem to be well versed in the ways of the media and how far they will go to make a story out of something that isn't there.

And I have to be honest here, even if you DID lock-down with La Diaz, I wouldn't be that interested. Now have some pictures of you AND Wil Wheaton slobbing all over Jill Marie Jones...THEN I'd believe it. Totally.

[Friend]

Cameron is fugly...pictures or no, I don't think so.

[Dave Greten]

This is great! Huge exposure! Shane, can I write to Lee Hannon and tell about how I had an affair with Cameron Diaz too? Seriously, it's time I came clean. It's been eating at my soul...

Let me know,
-Dave

[Michelle]

Now you'll have to deal with people calling you a liar and saying that you are just denying this cuz you guys don't want to get caught. I've already seen a couple people do that just in the past hour.

That might be worse on you than the actual story.

[Melissa]

Shane,

Ah, I am torn. Seriously, I am really actually torn at how I am supposed to react to this turn of events. My first reaction was, like Emily above, to laugh. In fact, I am still laughing. It's not like I "know" you or anything, but as a regular reader, I feel like a distant friend, and having this happen to a friend, is just really really funny. I'd tease you over a pint of Guinness if I were there...oh and not 7 mos pregnant, but that's beside the point

maybe it's time to work on that book now, what with all the free publicity TNE is handing you. :)

Good luck. We'll be here to support you if you need it.
Melissa

[Dan]

Shane,
That is too freaking funny! OMFG! That is too funny. LOL. Now I have to go out and get the enquirer...
That is hilarious man. You should have replied to that guy from the Enquirer- go over the top to give him some really crazy lurid details.
-Dan

[Sharfa]

Wow. Dude - you have arrived. You rank. I'm sorry - I'm just laughing so hard at the absurdity of it all. The people that really matter in your life, know you and just how ridiculous these accusations are. Anyone that reads your blog regularly could see that.

As for the people that actually read and believe that crap? Well, we are not exactly talking about Men'sa candidates here, are we?

As they say, there is no such thing as bad publicity. You've got enough of a sense of humor and grounding to get through this.

I have this image of you standing at your door with a blank expression: "I did Cameron?... I did?.....Did I enjoy it? Hey Elise! I just found out I did Cameron!" High fives all around - dude, you rock.

Bwwwaaahahahaha

[zaida]

i loved Wil's response. Effing fantastic! thank goodness that you and your wife have a wonderful, trusting relationship. Not everyone is as lucky!!

[Josh]

I'm so proud to even know you right now. I'll be buying my very first NE issue.

[Beth]

First of all, your wife sounds like a fantastic human being and you guys are rocking cool. And lets get one thing straight. The National Enquirer is not a newspaper. It is pure fiction. Just because blogging gossip has gotten big and everyone and their brother reads exactly what Britney Spears does with her recycling and how much Lindsay Lohan loves her electric toothbrush doesn't mean that a magazine that publishes gossip publishes truth. These guys make their living tricking people into going on the record. They suck. And for that matter so do the jackasses who buy the National Enquirer and pay the jackholes checks.

[karen]

well i would have no idea who you were if this publicity stunt hadnt happening. based on your obvious cleverness, i think you staged it all, you cad. the plot thickens...

[Nick]

You sound kinda panicky to me. Are you afraid of something? Since you have seen the picture, why dont you tell us what its all about & if you say its not you - point out some differences. You're not being articulate.

[lara]

omg, shane. this is sooooo funny! scary that they could find all this out so quickly - but hella funny!
and i'm with you - i don't know how they look themselves in the mirror?!

[Michelle]

Wouldn't you be kind of panicky if some tabloid were running a story and "pictorial proof" of you cheating on your wife? And wouldn't you be afraid that the people you love might believe it and think less of you?

Besides, if you aren't used to something like that happening in your life then how are you going to know how to react?

[Josh]

I almost wish it were true, I was dismade when I found out CD was with a Backstreet Boy.